Sunday, March 3, 2013

You Know You've Hit Adulthood When:

You Know You've Hit Adulthood When:

1. You get excited to go to bed at night. No, not sexy-time bed. Like, actual, get the fuck to sleep bed. That means you've made it through another day without completely destroying everything. You hope. Otherwise, take a sleeping pill and let your pillow be your only concern for the next 4-8 hours.

2. You and your friends end up in the home goods and house wear section more than you do the shoe section. Don't get it wrong, you love a good pump- but something about new linens is so much more refreshing to you.

3. You're flying high after 2 beers. It's been a while since your booty got itself up in keg-stand position.

4. Speaking of your booty, you've just made a list of all of the diets and exercise programs you'd like to start and try out. Deep down, you pray at least one sticks past a week and you meet your goals of 30-40 pounds before June. Even deeper down, you will be pleasantly surprised with just 5 to 10 pounds.

5. You cry at every wedding, proposal video, and birth story. Don't deny this. I know I'm not the only one.

6. When the premise of staying in for the night in sweatpants with a bottle of wine to watch Downton Abbey is so much more exciting to you than walking to a bar. You may or may not fall asleep 15 minutes in because of that first glass.

7. Everyone else is getting engaged around you. You are a bridesmaid in all of their weddings and very excited for them. There is a small, small percentage of your being that is as green, if not greener, than She-Hulk. You learn to embrace it, and shut the She-Hulk up with chocolate and volunteering to help out with as much possible for their wedding. One day, it will be your turn and they will do the same for you. You hope.

8. You get excited to put together your grocery list. Enough said.

9. The last time you had a manicure, pedicure, hair cut, or went tanning? Uhhhhhhhh.....last summer? Note: I just went to the hair salon two weeks ago, where my stylist determined that I hadn't been in since LAST MARCH. That was almost a calendar year with out a hair cut. Ugh.

10. You secretly love Martha Stewart Living and Everyday! With Rachel Ray, except you force yourself to buy Glamour in the check out aisle because you want to stay current.

11. Speaking of current, you ask other, younger-looking girls what they think of your outfits in the dressing room at stores. You pray they don't give you the "bitch, really?" look. You worry that their saying "it looks...nice" sounds a little bit like a pity party.

12. You get offended when the bar tender asks for your ID. What? NO ONE has asked me for my ID...ever. EVER. You think, followed by: That's right! I still got it, motherfuckers!

13. You feel the need to point out why you aren't young anymore. This may or may not be a sign that you are indeed, young to a lot of people; however, old to a lot of other people. Clowns to the left of me, Jokers to the Right, and here I am: Stuck in the middle of youth.

I was born in the 1980s, not the 90s. Thus, I am an adult now. 

14.  The "Nothing Good Happens after 2 AM" rule from How I Met Your Mother is true, and you accept/follow it now.

15.  You carry everything in your purse now. Everything: band aids, ointment, super glue, tape, safety pins, bobby pins, deodorant, hair ties, stomach pills, headache pills, pms pills, pads, tampons, clear nail polish, emory board, sample-size perfume, quarters, dollar bills, mirror, hand lotion, phone, ipod, pen, mini note pad, breath mints, travel size baby and make-up wipes, planner, eye glasses case, sun glasses, spare pair of rx eyeglasses,  and the list goes on. And somehow, you managed to get them all to fit tidy in your small bag. Your carrying shoulder, on the other hand? Could use a thermacare patch.

Don't think I can fit it in my purse?


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