Yesterday, I blacked out in the morning and found myself walking out of the Tanger Outlets of Washington, PA with a few bags.
|The Photo on Tanger's main page. She's so happy, she could SCREAMMMMMM|
I swear, y'all, I don't know what happened....If you could see me right now, you would see my innocent blinking and shrug. I totally don't remember a thing, the room went black and when I came to: new wardrobe.
What's that now? Presidents' Day Sales?
|Come, child, enjoy the spoils of my hard work and labor.....|
So, I ended up at Old Navy first- "That's pretty cheap," I said to myself. "Maybe I'll buy one shir- Oh. My. God. 40% Sale On EVERYTHING."
If you've ever seen "The Hangover," you know what happens next. I woke up in a hotel room dazed, confused....and there was a tiger in the bathroom. Seriously. That's what happened:
|Picture from the Event. Yes, I look like Zach Galifianakis|
When I came to, in my room, I had a couple of bags surrounding me and a receipt for Primanti Brothers.
Old Navy Finds:
This Plaid, Flannel Shirt by Old Navy. Retail: $24.94, Outlet Sale: $14.96
Jersey Tami in "Coral Tropics" by Old Navy. Retail: $10.00, Outlet Sale: $6.00
Sweetheart Skinny Classic Jeans by Old Navy. Retail: $29.50. Outlet Clearance (not Sale): $8.99
Admittedly, the skinny jeans purchase was a "had to be coaxed into it" one. I mean, they are skinny jeans and I am 5-foot-11-inches with a booooooooooty. There might have been a small therapy session in the dressing room. I might have been convinced by its $8.99 price tag. It might have been the "you can tuck these into your boots" suggestion. I don't know, they were 9 dollars and I was in the mother flippin' zone. At least they are kind of comfortable. I think...uhhhh....
Next stop: Banana Republic.
Hide yo kids, hide yo wife....HIDE YOUR CREDIT CARDS.
"Buhhh," I said, while being dragged into the store, "this is out of my price range."
Blinking, disoriented from the florescent lighting and mounds of pretty things, I stammered: "well, I guess I don't have to buy anything."
Which quickly turned into an arm full of hangers.
I would give you all nice, pretty stock photos from Banana Republic's Web site, but none exist of the things I bought. Are you kidding me? Here are my crude, iPod photos for your enjoyment:
Sleeveless dress, belted.
^Check out the awesome zipper down the back!!
Retail: $99.99, Outlet Sale: $30.00
I'm NOT KIDDING YOU^
Pleated Tank, Orange.
Retail: $34.99, Outlet Sale: $7.69
Shirt with Ruffled Sleeve
Retail: $49.99 Outlet Sale: $10.50
Luckily, I stopped myself. Yes, I wandered into the Gap and J. Crew. At that point, I felt the "if I keep going, my ass is going to be broke by Tuesday" and immediately decided to say everything was ugly. Except it wasn't ugly, I just had to keep telling myself that. Also, had to keep telling myself that I didn't need this ultra ridiculous, ultra-cute Lobster sweater from J. Crew:
Or that I didn't need this adorable little elephant necklace that reminded me of my Grandmother Dorothy:
Retail: $24.90, Currently on Sale: $9.99
More ranting after the break:
But I stopped myself and after getting home, still feeling wary of those skinny jeans (which I'm currently wearing), I pinned this Jillian Michael's video entitled "Yoga Meltdown." Mind you, the idea of melting fat makes me dry heave a little bit-
Jillian Michaels scares the bejesus out of me in a weird way. Weird that I kind of want to be her friend because when she's nice, she's like *really* nice- but when she's pissed...ohhhhhh boyyy. You better get your ass running on that treadmill- blackout or not. She will kill you. She will laser beam and melt the fat off your ass if it kills the both of you.
I did the Special K diet, or rather have been doing it (cheating here and there) and lost about 10 pounds. I would love to lose about 20-30 more (kids, I'm really tall and started at 195). Not to be anorexic looking again but to feel confident and good about myself. To wear skinny jeans and not feel like my thighs have magically become plump sausages.
|me, on the right, back in skinnier days.|
So, I guess the question is: How do I have it all? How do I become a journalist, stay with the man I love, get fit, live on a budget, and enjoy my life? How do I eradicate the stress from it all? How can I find a place for singing and dancing and acting again? I should really get back to meditating on a regular basis.
That's all for now. Love ya.