Monday, July 30, 2012

And when I wake?

I had this strange dream last night.

Maybe you've had this kind of dream before, the one that brings you back to someone or something- a feeling, perhaps, of sincere familiarity that you just don't want to leave for reality. I hit snooze about 4 times trying to get back to where I was in my mind's eye. I just wanted to go back for a minute more- just to see someone's face/hear their voice for one more instant.

When I was 18, I fell in love with someone who, when we kissed, had the innate ability to send chills, shivers, and sparks the whole way down to my toes. We broke it off shortly after a year because we were young and living in different places. We were at different points in our faiths and lives. We still loved each other. We saw each other once after it and sparks flew for a few minutes. We forced ourselves apart for our own emotional good. He died a year and some months after that from a blood clot that left him in a coma for a few days. I was there. That's not even the beginning or end of it. It's just too much to unload onto my blog.

So, last night, he was in my dream. I swear to you, it was like we were in the same room again. Except,  the dream was so strange. We were in a hospital, and he was getting surgery on his arm. I ran into the overlook and started pounding on the glass yelling, "Let me in! Let me watch! He can't be alone!" and the Doctor turned to him, for an answer. So he said back something to the effect of: "you can let her in the station, but she cannot ride the bus." He gave me a look and I knew he meant, "she can be in here with me, just don't let her watch what's going on."  But how he said it was as if he had said it in real life: with a kind of naughty connotation but with the intention to trip you up.

Then my alarm went off before I could yell at him. So, I hit snooze. I begged snooze. "Let me back, let me back! I didn't get my chance to talk back to him!!!" I fell back asleep and started to dream about something else. Something I can't even remember. I woke up confused, angry, and wanting.

Now, I'm sure it's because I was thinking about him. I'm sure it's just some subconscious bit of me wanting to live out the ability to talk to him one last time and have peace with his being gone. That's my biggest regret. For a couple of people who *never* fought, the last time we spoke: we fought. And now he's gone and there's this stupid piece of me that really believes a subconscious piece of dream is a formidable way to find closure. You cannot find closure in a dream, hard as you may try.

Have you ever dreamt of something so real that you wanted to yell when you woke up in reality? Today, I did.

"Harvest Moon"- Neil YoungCome a little bit closerHear what I have to sayJust like children sleepin'We could dream this night away.

But there's a full moon risin'Let's go dancin' in the lightWe know where the music's playin'Let's go out and feel the night.

Because I'm still in love with youI want to see you dance againBecause I'm still in love with youOn this harvest moon.

When we were strangersI watched you from afarWhen we were loversI loved you with all my heart.

But now it's gettin' lateAnd the moon is climbin' highI want to celebrateSee it shinin' in your eye.

Because I'm still in love with youI want to see you dance againBecause I'm still in love with youOn this harvest moon.

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