Sunday, May 27, 2012

Meanwhile, in Customer Service Hell....

My apologies for being negligent from the blogosphere lately. I've been stuck in the work-workout-sleep tango for the last couple of weeks.

I should explain this about me before I go any further into bliggity-blogging. Not everything is or has been hunky-dory in my life. I have anxiety issues and have dealt with them my whole life. These issues have been exacerbated in the past by life events that my little heart couldn't take at a young age. It manifests into obsession about my weight, appearance, nail-biting, abandoning people I love, and basically becoming agoraphobic at weird moments.

So now I'm sitting at my computer, eating a Kashi-Fiber bar and obsessing about my beach trip in a few weeks. I'm obsessing about the fact that my belly pushes over my hips now and the fact that my arms are flabby and my thighs are thick. My muscles are achey from overexertion with my work out the last few days. I don't know what did this to me. Maybe it's the fact that my older sister was boasting online that she's finally under 200lbs for the first time since middle school, and for me- that's too close to my current weight. I have always been the "smallest" sibling and I really intend on keeping it that way. Perhaps it was the fat bride on Say Yes to the Dress that couldn't fit into a sample dress, that was crying about how nothing  would look good on her. Maybe it's because I feel like Rob's going to propose to me and I'm going to go try on wedding gowns and look awful in everything.

I just want my life back. I want to be a size 6/8 again, I want to be doing journalism again, I want to be doing theatre again, I want to be singing again, and I want to feel HEALTHY again. I haven't felt healthy in so long.

Anyways, I'm sorry for this horrendously depressing post. I'm trying to get my act back together and I just don't feel like I have anything worthy of sharing with anyone who reads this blog. I know it's a whole bunch of crazy but that's how I've been feeling as of late.

I finally got a call for a phone interview for a position as a Grant/Proposal Writer, but that's been postponed twice now because the HR person has an incredibly hectic schedule. It would be a good job fit for me, the office is located 10 minutes from my house and would pay well with full-benefits (my current understanding). Yes, it's not Journalism, but it's (at the very least) writing. I think it could be a great thing for me, provided it actually happens- I would appreciate prayers and good thoughts for the time being.

1 comment:

  1. "Maybe it's because I feel like Rob's going to propose to me and I'm going to go try on wedding gowns and look awful in everything."

    That's so me, almost all of the time. I would adore being engaged but the second it actually happened I would FREAK OUT about the fact that I'd have to go dress shopping. I have always been a "bigger" girl. Until I had the number down to where I wanted it- 170- for a few years while at school. The reality? I was binging and starving. I don't starve anymore but I sure as hell binge- and now? I probably weigh 220. It kills me every day. I am so unhappy. The idea of trying to lose FIFTY pounds to get back to a place where I feel healthy hurts me all over. My clothes do not fit, I refuse to be social sometimes, etc, it sucks.

    So I'm right here in your post with you. I wouldn't call it depressing, I'd call it HONEST. And that's a good start.

    In other news, I really hope you get the new job. I'll hold a thought for you, Cait. Changes are good when you're feeling bummed out.