Saturday, February 25, 2012

Smut writer?

This may be a new low, even for me.

Recently, I went on a rant about how there are no writing/editing jobs anymore. A rant about how I had stopped writing, how I missed it and was forgetting what it was like to write for a living. Not that I had been doing it before, but when your train yourself up for that for four years and are placed in an economy where the only response you get is, "you're qualified for this position, but this person who just got laid off from their job at the New York Times also applied and has 15 years experience, so we're going to hire them instead. Sorry." You get a little bit tired of it all.

Also, you start feeling a lot like Michael J. Fox in "The Secret to my Success." Which is an 80s movie worth watching, especially if you're 24 and in today's job market. I used to watch it in high school and thank God that my fate wouldn't be that way. Fate has a funny way of not working how you quite think it will do for you.

Anyways, I went on my mega (fueled by wine) rant about how I missed writing and editing. So my friend tweeted me a link to a forum where a woman discussed how she left her corporate America job after getting paid well to write smut.

Yes, you read that right: she wrote smut, published it for eReaders and now is making a larger salary than she did at her Fortune-500-company-job.

So, my friend zapped me the link to this article and I was so impressed that I'm now writing my own smutty story about a bar tendress and a guy who meet and it's like magic and they totally are going to do it and I'm totally going to describe it and this is totally easy to do because it's fun and....

Wait a minute. This is harder than it looks (pun intended).  I thought that writing a dirty story would be easy. I'm a young 20-something with a sex drive and plenty of inspiration. So what's my problem? Why am I all of a sudden so modest? I find myself choking up at describing...stuff. So I'm writing this story under a surname and hoping I can muster through it.

This is not what I had planned on doing post-graduation. I can see it now in the Chatham University Recorder : "Caitlin, Class of 2009, is now a successful erotica writer." While that sounds badass, I'm almost embarrassed by it. I wrote meaningful articles in my internships and interviewed interesting people like Huang Xiang. I worked really hard and wrote an 113 page undergraduate thesis discussing the merits of modern day talk-news programs when compared to their satire counterparts!  Does writing smut mean that I'm giving in and selling out to make a quick buck? Is this the Universe's way of saying I should do something else, or the Universe's way of teaching me a lesson that I'll have to write about things I'm personally uncomfortable with when I make it in the doorway to becoming a Journalist?

I'm jealous of my boyfriend. He went to school for Computer Science and now he's a programmer. He knew what he wanted to do and he knew how to make it a career. It was straightforward and now he's doing something he loves, is making a comfortable living doing it and on weekends he doesn't stress out about anything. As I type this, he is playing The Old Republic and is happy as a clam to just have spent an entire Saturday doing so.... I feel like ripping my hair out.

So, you, whoever you are reading this.....have you ever felt this way? have you ever felt like part of you needed to settle for less for now in order to get more later? or have you ever felt like just pressing the reset button on life, leaving town and starting over without anyone you know? .....hello, Internet? anyone out there?

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